We lost one....

We were just about to announce our big surprise that we are expecting in March......until I had appointment and they found no heartbeat. Most people keep these sort of things quiet, but emotionally and physically this is hard. My little ones would have only been 18 short months apart but we were still super excited. I did have some complications early on and was put on bed rest. I actually thought that I lost it then, but each ultra sound kept showing that is was still developing. I have a tilted back uterus and they think the placenta was having a hard time attaching causing a hemmorage.
I have on many occasions comforted girls that work for me that would have been first time mommies on how it didn't develope right and that it was better now then later. It is really hard when it happens to yourself. I am not an emotional girl and it hit pretty hard. I think that the hardest is the fact the we had an appointment at a fetal photo place in a few weeks (I would have been 16 weeks along) to find out what it is. We lost it a couple weeks ago and my body isn't responding. I have a D & C scheduled in the morning since it would be too painful to try and pass it on my own given how far along I was. I think the hardest part is the people that have neglected because I have been so sick, like my kids who we didn't tell and were wondering why I was constantly sick(although Jaycee is very smart and on more then one occasion has said "mom, you look like you are going to have another baby....good I really want a brother" (even though given our track record....it was more then likely a girl, even the doc said that), my job, and most of all my poor husband who got very used to kissing me on the forehead because I told him if he breathed on me I would puke. We are undecided whether we will actually TRY for another one, it's a bad note to leave on. I was showing quite a bit and I have gained 10 nasty pounds......so back to the treadmill I go. It is 4 in the morning and I can't sleep, I feel like I have bottled up my emotions and it is very hard for me to keep a secret...so maybe I can get some sleep now!